Barney Must Die!
by Petros
Summary: In response to Kou's Fanfic contest. The Gundam Guys face their most terrifying enemy.


It was a perfectly normal day at the Winner mansion.

Trowa: Wufei, where did you put the cheese spray?

Quatre: Hey, ever notice how "Duo, Trowa, and Quatre" are very close to "two, three, and four" in various European languages?

Heero: Omae o korosu.

Duo: "I will destroy you." Is that all you know how to say in your native language?

Heero: Hai, honto.

Duo: You just said, "Yes, that's true," but you said it in Japanese. I—I— @_@ (suddenly has a nervous breakdown from the paradox, so his God of Death persona takes over for a while.)

G of D: Omae o korosu.

Heero: Omae o korosu.

TV: And in other news, it seems that Barney the Purple Dinosaur has returned from his long disappearance.

All: NOOOOOO!

Wufei: I thought we killed Barney!

G of D: No one could survive being hit by a Buster Rifle, a Beam Scythe, three Gatling guns, a Dragon Fang, and two Heat Shotels, all at the same time!

Heero: Except me.

TV: In fact, we were able to catch up with the elusive reptile for an interview.

TV: (Shows Barney, now sporting glowing orange eyes, a crocodile-like mouth full of blade-like teeth, and a harsh, whispering voice.)

Barney: Yes, I was reported as killed by those Gundam pilots. But I'm about eighty million years old, so I'm not that easy to kill. I was merely banished into another dimension. I have returned.

Wufei: My ancestors must not like me anymore.

Duo: Oh! I understand! Heero wasn't being serious! It wasn't supposed to be making sense!

Heero: Glad you've joined us again.

Quatre: You could have told me you were asleep.

Duo: I wasn't asleep! I was just…

Barney: I seek revenge on the Gundam pilots. And I will have it. While I have been away I've been doing some research. I now know who the pilots are, as well as where they live. That information will be made public unless they meet me at these coordinates at 1700 GMT tomorrow:

Barney: (in the beeping language the Gundams use to communicate) 72 degrees, 30 minutes north, 36 degrees, 70 minutes west.

Duo: Crap! I thought we killed that guy!

Wufei: If you stayed awake you would learn a few things.

Heero: Hmm, that's on the eastern coast of Greenland.

Duo: How do you know all this stuff?

Heero: Mobile Suit Gundam Wing is a Japanese cartoon. Therefore, since I'm Japanese, I have to be the smartest person here. Also the strongest, bravest, and most dedicated to my cause.

Quatre: I thought we were above such petty things as ethnocentrism.

Heero and Duo: (look at each other) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Duo: Hey, Quatre, can I use your telescreen?

Quatre: Sure, there's one over there.

Duo: Thanks. (dials in number) Hey, Howard, can you get us to Greenland by five tomorrow night?

Howard: Well, of course. By coincidence I'm in the Mediterranean right now. I can pick you up in Beirut as soon as you can get there, and my ship, which is impossibly fast according to the laws of hydrodynamics, can get you there right on time, with a stopover in New York.

Duo: Thanks man, you're a lifesaver.

Howard: Don't mention it.

New York, Chinatown

Wufei: I'm not sure whether I like this place or not. The marketplace atmosphere is almost like home, but here, everyone is a merchant!

Duo: God bless America, land of the entrepreneur.

Suddenly, a thirty foot tall thing that looks like an iguana on its hind legs comes stomping down the street, breathing hot plasma everywhere.

Duo: Whoa! It's Godzilla!

Heero: There's no way that could be Gojira. It's one tenth Gojira's size, and- (pulls out his gun and shoots the creature in the eye. It falls down dead) –that would not kill Gojira.

Duo: I hate to break it to you, buddy, but there's a no-gun policy in New York.

Heero: Really?

Trowa: (observing the police helicopters overhead) I believe the theatrical term is Exeunt.

Quatre: Sounds like a good idea to me.

Duo: (pulling up a manhole cover) Hope nobody thinks he's too good to crawl through the sewers.

They crawl through the sewers, meeting only one alligator before four turtles and a rat showed them an access door to a subway line.

Duo: You'd think those guys woulda been dead by now.

Quatre: You know them?

Duo: Not really. Long story.

They follow the subway tracks until they reach a station by the docks. They go up the stairs to street level and walk to where Howard's ship is berthed. They board the ship and are soon under way.

Trowa: Well, I guess we can cross New York off the list of places we can visit.

Greenland. The boys have said goodbye to Howard and walked in their Suits to the coordinates Barney had given them. And there he stood, still purple and green, but no longer the anthropomorphic dino-marshmallow he used to be. He now looked like the exaggerated Velociraptors from Jurassic Park.

Quatre: Weird. Barney actually looks cool now.

Barney: (in his old, sappy voice) Ohoho, it's gonna be super-dee-duper destroying you all!

Trowa: Nevertheless, that abomination must die.

Quatre: How are you gonna destroy us, Barney? Our minds are how so hardened by endless fighting that your stupid songs can't rot them anymore.

Barney: (holds up a big ocarina) I have a new weapon.

Barney starts to play the ocarina with a sound like a trumpet. As he plays, a silver and green machine about the same size as the Gundams rises from the ocean. It's shaped roughly like a theropod dinosaur, with a chain-link tail ending in an arrowhead spike. The machine walks onto land and stands still as Barney stops playing.

Barney: Meet the Dragon Zord.

Wufei: That doesn't look anything like a Dragon!

Heero: Hahahaha! That thing couldn't even beat one Gundam!

Barney: Oh, yeah? You know the Japanese tradition of dedicating a vessel with a bottle of sake?

All: Yeah.

Barney: Well, I dedicated the Dragon Zord with twenty bottles of sake!

All: …

Barney: Mwahahahahah! (does a HUGE backward leap, lands on the Zord's head, and climbs inside)

The Dragon Zord comes alive, tripping the Gundams with its tail and firing missiles from its fingers. Whenever one of the Gundams' weapons hit it, it just made sparks and made the Zord stumble for a second.

Trowa: There's only one thing to do.

Gundam Heavyarms ejects its big Gatling and runs over to the Dragon Zord, putting it in a half-Nelson. Heavyarms's hatch opens, and Trowa jumps onto the Zord. He quickly climbs to its head, and shoves something into the roof of its mouth. He jumps off and lands in an eight foot snow drift just as the Dragon Zord disintegrates. Sandrock picks up Trowa and puts him back in Heavyarms. Heavyarms takes one step forward, and there is a wet, crunching sound. Heavyarms lifts its foot. The sole is smeared with purple and green goo.

All: Ewwwww.

Quatre: Hey Trowa, how'd you beat the Zord?

Trowa: Everyone knows a European Dragon's only weakness is the roof of its mouth.

Duo: So what'd you use?

Trowa: My toothbrush.

Duo: A toothbrush?

Trowa: What, you think a knife would have been sharp enough?

Duo: Never mind. I'm gonna stop trying to make sense of you people.

Winner mansion. PARTY!

Heero: (talking on the telescreen) So none of you can make it?

Doctor J: No, Heero, we're all busy. I'm having my joints oiled. Professor G is getting a haircut. Doktor S sneezed again, so he's having his nose replaced. Instructor H is inspecting his harem. Master O is getting his head waxed. I don't think any of us could get there for at least four hours.

Heero: Okay, but don't hold it against me if all the food is all gone by the time you arrive.

Relena: Dance with me, Heero.

Heero: Alright, but if you step on my feet...

Relena: Yeah, yeah, you'll destroy me.

Heero: Right.

Quatre: So then he took a step forward, didn't even see him, and—Squish!

Rasid, Abdul, Ahmad, and Auda: HAHAHAHAHAH!

Wufei: Here's the cheese spray, Trowa. Ugh! It's nothing but rotten milk. I don't see how anyone could actually eat that stuff!

Trowa: (squirts out a big handfull) Like this. (scarfs it)

Wufei: (runs into bathroom and pukes)

Duo: (holding N64) Hey, look what I found in the attic! It's ancient, but I bet it still works!

Soon everyone is happily engaged in a Mortal Kombat tournament. Duo wins.


End file.
